i am me.

So, Christmas is 2 days away (well 2 1/2 I guess), and I'm not even remotely excited. All of my regular traditions are fucked this year and so far I've had to do everything (and I do mean EVERYthing) to prepare for it by myself. If I never clean my house again I'll be happy. I feel like I've been cleaning for weeks and it's still not done. I wanted to make cookies for work and I think I've just run out of time. Tomorrow night I'm having my loves over to exchange Christmas presents, but I have work before then so I can't do it before they come over and I gotta be in work at 8 on Wednesday so I can't really do it that morning. I'd do it now, but of course I don't have the mix...that would just be too easy. I'm not even done Christmas shopping yet. Ugh. I'm not even looking forward to it. It doesn't even feel like Christmas and the whole day is going to be so rushed that I feel like I'm not even going to be able to enjoy it. We're not having Christmas morning at my house this year (which I'm completely devastated about) and that just ruins things for me. What was the point of even putting up the tree if there's not gonna be any presents under it? And our stockings are HERE! So not only will I not have a stocking to open, I have to get up early to drive the 45 minutes to my mom's house, and lug our presents for them up there, then we'll have to rush outta there (with a car full of presents), drive 45 minutes back to my dad's (in a neighborhood I don't really wanna have a car full of gifts in) and do Christmas there. Then Al has to be in work at 4:00 and we leave for my uncle's house at like 7. Talk about a rushed, cramped day. Ugh. I'm so not looking forward to it. Then, I wanna go to the Field House on Saturday to see Mr. Greengenes and I don't know if that's gonna happen either...and let's not even talk about New Year's Eve. Bleh. All right, I think that's enough of my ramblings. I'll ttyl. With love and Christmas chaos, Shannon

What can I say? Aside from all the bullshit that has taken place in my life over the past few weeks, the one constant remained...Phillies baseball baby!!!! hahaha This past month has been absolutely incredible. I have been patiently (and sometimes not-so-patiently) waiting for a championship for as long as I can remember. The Phillies are my team, and there couldn't be a better team to have won it all than the guys on this team. I watched the Phillies when they absolutely sucked, when they couldn't finish a season over .500, when they started to get closer but ultimately failed, when they got to the playoffs and were swept... I've been through it all while watching them...extreme highs and even more extreme lows. I've screamed and cheered and got angry and booed, but I never stopped watching. Wednesday night was the best night of my life. It still doesn't seem real, but the Philadelphia Phillies are, in the words of Chase Utley, "World Fucking Champions"!!!!! Today I went to the parade and it was insane. Over a million people lined Broad Street for a chance at a glimpse of their favorite players. Unfortunately I wasn't one of the lucky ones...all my faves were facing the other side...but it was still unbelievable. 28 years of suffering for Phillies fans was absolutely erased in the 10 minutes it took for the parade to pass us. It was something I will never, ever forget, and something that I hope will come "again, again and again". This was an amazing season and I can't wait to start counting down the days to Spring Training... GO PHILLIES!!!!!!!!!

I haven't written in a really long time, so I figured I'd give an update on my mundane life hahaha. My life has actually been a whirl of change lately, and I'm seriously loving every minute of it. I've met some awesome new people, got another job, have been getting down to volunteer at PAWS more often, and am ready to take on the world haha. I picked up part time position working at the physical therapy place where Michele works. The two of us working at the same place could be very dangerous haha. My first day was last Friday and I'm only going to have tomorrow with Shel before I have to work by myself on Friday. I'm completely terrified. There's SO much to remember and I'm going to be the only aide there, and they just pack in those patients haha. Yea, so I'm going to be completely overwhelmed. It should be very interesting.

This past week in general has been crazy. I've been keeping myself super busy and it's such a nice change. I had an adventure on Thursday! I went to get my hair cut at the hair cuttery at Grant and the Boulevard and I got on the wrong freaking bus because I forgot that the 20 turns at Holme Circle and the 14 does not, so I wound up getting off at Willits and Ashton Road because I didn't want to end up at Franklin Mills haha. So I walked the almost 2 miles to the hair cuttery and got my hair cut. I love it! I needed some kinda of change, and I wanted to go short, so I did. I was gonna head down to PAWS, but my dad called and asked if I wanted to go with him to walk his foster dog and we wound up walking another like 2 or 3 miles haha. I seriously got my workout on Thursday. I came home, took a 20 minute nap and got ready to go to Sonic with the girls. Fun!!

Friday Shel and I had to be at work at 9 so I had to get up super early. We were done at 1:00 so I headed down to PAWS to volunteer until 7. Will texted me at like 6:45 asking if I wanted to go bowling so I jumped on the El to go home and it took way too long and it was a complete rush to get ready, but it was worth it cause I had so much fun. Shel and Jim picked me up, then we met Will, Matt and Kelly at the bowling alley. Talk about being horrible at bowling haha I didn't break 100 either game! I probably would have if we played one more though haha At least that's what I like to tell myself. Shel and Jim went home after that and Will, Matt, Kel and I went to get some food, had a crazy waiter, and stood out in the rain for like an hour BSing and goofing off. Such a fun night!

Saturday was completely lame. I watched the Phillies game, lounged around, then went to Walmart when Al got home from work. Sunday was Shel's family picnic and it was kinda dead. It seemed like everyone was in a bad mood or something. Playing catchphrase on the porch and recounting stories from a fews years ago was fun though. Today it's back to work, and it's going to be so freaking hot out!! Oh well. I gotta go. Talk to ya later With love and many new beginnings, Shannon

This was a Phillies filled weekend and it was absolutely fabulous!!! On Saturday, it was photo day at the park, so you get to go down on the field and take pictures of all the players. I was disappointed because Jayson Werth said he had to keep moving and didn't get in a picture with me, but I did get pictures with Brett Myers, Kyle Kendrick and Chad Durbin...yay! I took a ton of pictures and they came out great. I didn't get to see Brad Lidge, but it was still a successful day. The game was great too. Cole Hamels had a rough start and gave up nine runs in the 4th inning, but we came back to get 7 runs in the 5th topped off by Greg Dobbs' pinch hit home run. It was pretty awesome. The bullpen shut it down and we won the game. Good times!

Today was the Phillies ALS Phestival, and my first time going. I was really bummed about the way things went down, but it actually worked out pretty well. When we first got there, we got right in Jayson Werth's line cause he's my favorite and we were out of his line by 6:00, which was great. He wasn't all that personable, but I got a really great picture of him, and he looked hot haha. Then we got grab bags. Mine had a Fightin Phils hat and a Jamie Moyer bobblehead in it. Al's had a Shane Victorino Flyin' Hawaiian bobble doll and a Phestival t-shirt. After that we went over to the line for Kyle Kendrick and Carlos Ruiz. They were both super nice. I got my picture with Mitch Williams and got him to sign my hat, then we both got Jim Jackson's autograph as well. Al got Scott Franzke (our radio broadcaster) to sign her PAWS shirt, then we went to see Ryan Madson and Brett Myers. They are the most fun guys ever. We were joking around with them and goofing off, and I got a really hilarious picture of the two of them together...it's fantastic!! After that we walked around some more and saw Leslie Guidel who is like my hero!! I got my picture with her haha. We walked around and took a bunch of pictures and had a fun time. When we were getting in line for the Joe Blanton/JC Romero table, they were opening up a cash line for Pat Burrell. So as soon as we were done in that line, we ran over to Pat's. Every time I've ever met him he's been nothing but nice. What a great guy! Then we literally RAN over to Brad Lidge's table to see if they were doing a cash line, and the first guy we asked said no, so we asked someone else and they pointed us in the right direction. He was sweet too. I got my picture with him too :) By that point it was 8:00 and that's what time the autograph part was over (they had to get a train to DC), so we left. It was a completely successful day though! I had a ton of fun, got a ton of pictures and autographs and donated to a great cause!

So that was my Phillies weekend. I go to another game on the 5th yay! I gotta go now. Talk to a later. With love and a very happy Phillies fan, Shannon

Yes, I do realize I almost only write here when I'm in a bad mood or need to vent, but isn't that what it's here for in the first place? I don't know what it is lately, but I don't feel like myself, and more and more I'm wanting to get away without knowing where to go. I'm actually kind of very happy that I don't drive because I wouldn't be here if I did. Sometimes I think of where I would go if I had the opportunity to just drive wherever I pleased. The list keeps getting longer and longer. I'd be willing to sacrifice the money for gas and the time away from the city I thought I'd never leave. I'd relish the alone time and new places, the carefree atmosphere of being on my own, and the feeling of being at peace. Lately nothing seems right. Something is just a little left of center and I can't figure out what it is. Is it me or someone else, or maybe not a person at all, but a thing or a feeling. I feel like all I do is think about the what ifs or the how comes and I don't have any answers. I'm not sleeping much anymore, every time I eat I get sick and I'm on edge in a lot of areas of my life. So here's to longing for change and for things to come together very soon. How do we fix something that we're not sure even exists? I don't know. I should lie down even though I'm not tired. Who knows when I'll write again. Talk to ya later. With love and an unquestionable need for SOMEthing, Shannon

i'm really getting so sick and tired of being pushed aside for someone else. when is it going to be my turn???

i'm having a bad night :(

How can one simple thing written by a complete stranger make such a huge difference? I guess sometimes it's people that don't even know you that seem to know you better than anyone else. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling sometimes lost, confused, and overlooked. I know that it's a part of life, but I never thought anyone really understood where I was coming from until now. What happens when everything that you thought you knew turns out to be wrong? It's not something that we really think about, but how often does it happen? How often are we left wondering "how did they know that? can they hear my thoughts?". More and more I find myself saying that same phrase...how did they know? In a way it's interesting to never talk to someone yet have them share something as deep as a thought. But in another way it's weird that I've never shared the thought in the first place. I don't know. I'm in a confused, thoughtful state of mind right now. Graduation has put me into this awkward trance that I can't get out of and I don't like the feeling. Ugh, I need a change. Anyway, I gotta head out to work. Ttyl. With love and a "land of confusion", Shannon

I haven't written in a very long time and for that I am sorry... I really tried to keep this thing updated, but school and life just wouldn't allow it. So much has changed since I last time I wrote, I wouldn't even know where to begin to start. I'm graduating on Thursday, and though I should be exceptionally happy that I'm finally getting out of Temple, I made a lot of great friends this semester and it really sucks to be leaving them....just one more semester would be nice (since they will be graduating then). I'm not ready to graduate. I'm such a procrastinator and haven't even begun all the shit I should have done. But I did email the Phillies about a volunteer opportunity that I'm really hoping could lead to a paying position. I just feel like I'm so stuck in life and I don't know what to do about it. Everyone else can just easily move on and I'm stuck in a rut that feels like I'll never dig myself out of. I don't like change. It's unsettling and nerve-wracking. It's exciting, but scary. And I don't know what's going on, but I haven't been sleeping lately. I feel like I'm becoming an insomniac. I don't think I've been to bed before 2:00 in the past two weeks, and even then I just lay there awake. I'm so bored with this life. Can someone give me a new one please?

Anyway, I'll talk to ya later...and see ya at the Spectrum in the fall if you're going to see New Kids on the Block :D with love and frustrating life situation, Shannon

tonight sucks. something is going on and i dont know what it is. i feel sick to my stomach in a nervous, something's-going-on way. i feel like everyone knows something that i don't or that something is going to happen that is either not going to be good or is going to upset me, and i don't know what it is. i very rarely get like this and i dont know what's causing it, but i really don't like it. i want to try to sleep it off, but at the same time i'm afraid to go to sleep. what the hell?? if anyone can enlighten me, please feel free because i'm really worried. i'll ttyl. with love and a very unsettled feeling, Shannon

i've pretty much neglected this thing, but life keeps throwing me curve ball after curve ball. it's pretty fucking annoying. i keep getting to a point where i'm ok with the things that are happening, and then something happens to fuck it up. whatever. i had a really good weekend start to end. so that was a really nice change from the ordinary.

friday night Shel and i went to Shar and Gene's and just hung out, talked, and played some rock band. my friends can make even the most ordinary things fun. me and Gene did this one song that was like 10 minutes long and he was playing guitar and i was on drums, and we pretty much killed it! it was awesome! haha i love my friends. you don't need alcohol to have a good time like so many people think...c'mon people seriously?? obviously your friends just aren't as awesome as mine haha.

saturday lots of things happened. me, Al, Johnny and my mom went to look for a computer chair, then went to Denny's to get some brunch. after that we drove up to the storage place near Mark's house so Johnny could get a washer out for the shelter. when i came home, i showered and got ready pretty quickly, and Shel picked me up to go to aunt Bet's for a Tastefully Simple demonstration. yum!! pretty delicious if you ask me haha. then at like 10:15 or so Shel and i left to go up to Whiskey Tango to meet Will and some of his friends. we had to park like two blocks away, and i had short sleeves on...go figure haha. i had a really good time though. Split Decision was playing, and they are AMAZING!!! no wonder everyone loves them so much!! we got our dance on, had some drinks and some laughs and partied the night away haha. good times. that was the first time i was at that bar...i'd go back. and apparently Allison said there's an upstairs that we didnt even venture to. hmm. haha

sunday was another good day. me and Al worked the PAWS table at the Flyers' Wives Fight for Lives Carnival. that was fun. we had to get there like an hour early, so after we set up we just got to sit and watch as the players were escorted to their stations and all. it was really cool. one of the Phantoms' players was talking to us about the dogs as he walked by, and he had a fantastic accent! haha. the only thing i had REALLY wanted to do all day (because i knew the lines were long and i didnt want to leave the table for TOO long) was play guitar hero against one of the players. so i waited in line for like an hour or so, and it was kind of a guessing game of who i was gonna get to play against. while i was in line it was pretty much switching between Ryan Potulny, RJ Umberger, and Lasse Kukkonen. then when i was 3rd in line Jared Ross from the Phantoms started playing so i wound up playing against him. he was really nice. it was funny because the first two people that played against him played on expert, so when i went up he goes "Are you really good too?" haha i was like "no not at all, i play on easy!" LOL good times. i beat him though! whoo haha. Al took videos and pics and such. then i got my pic with him afterward. i'm such a dork when it comes to stuff like that. like when we were walking in with all our stuff to set up we walked through the VIP entrance and Bernie Parent was in there, and i was like "do you KNOW who that was??????" haha al just laughs at me. i had so much fun even with just people watching as they walked past our table...and i think we made over $1000!! yay!!

so yea, i had a fab weekend. now it's back to work :( haha i gotta go. ttyl with love and weekends that i wish would never end, Shannon